They're baaaaackk
Well, I went a couple of weeks with minimal pain and some vertigo. The past 7 days I've had a migraine. Luckily, the Maxalt/Aleve mix kills it for the day. If I could just get more than 9 Maxalts a month, I'd be doing better. As it is, I have to pick and choose days.
Of course, I did get my period today. End must be in sight.
Now, to the fucked up shit.
I'm on daily Wellbutrin XL. It has definatly helped the pain. But, for an anti-depressant type drug it's totally fucked me up emotionally. I'll take the daily crying over whatever over the pain any day.
Jason and I have been wanting to take a trip for our 11 year anniversary. Actually, I've been wanting one, just the two of us, no family no work forever. I think it was before we got married that we last did that. Our wedding day was while he was in Vegas for business! Still, what a great day.
Jason comes up with the idea of going to NYC and taking me to a Broadway show ("Wicked"). We talk about it, and I've always wanted to go to NYC, so of course I'm excited.
We look at several sites. And it is pretty expensive. We're using our tax return for this. It became a choice between paying of some credit card debt or trip.
We don't have a ton of debt. He doesn't allow it. But, it does kill him to be paying interest on anything. And Christmas, well... yeah.
Monday, he's looking again. And he's telling me how anxious the money part is making him feel. I'm getting ready for work and thinking in my head, "We can't go if it's going to bother him so much. I'm going to give him no trip for our anniversary. I just can't let him do this to himself."
And I am calm about it. Totally going to be ok saying it.
Yeah, I walk into the office and there they go. Big fat girly tears. I totally lost it. He said he doesn't want me to settle because he's nervous about money. Neither of us wants to hurt the other. I just want time alone with the man. Especially on our anniversary. Anywhere.
Jason called me at work. Which scared the shit out of me, cause he's only called me at work one or two other times (one is documented here somewhere). He booked the trip. For our anniversary weekend (right before Vday). He got flight, hotel and orchestra "Wicked" tickets for $1100.00. 7 - 800 dollars less than what we thought.
I'm excited. And a bit nervous. I don't know what we'll do with ourselves.
And we still haven't made out a will. I know that's kinda morbid thinking. But, I worry about that kind of stuff. Every trip any of us take, I get scared that something will happen to one or all of us. Shit, I can barely drive anymore because of it.
I gotta remember to call a lawyer tomorrow. I think that one of my friend's husbands is one. All I want is to make sure my babies will be ok. And I think I'm going fucking psycho.
Most things I've read said that the side effects will die down. I have started being hungry again.
That part pissed me off. I do need to lose weight. But, I wanted to do it the healthy way. Instead, I couldn't eat for a few weeks. Lost 10 pounds. Fast and unhealthily. So, I'm taking vitamins galore. Now, maybe I can work off the momentum. That is ok, just not starving myself.
I need to find out if I can wear chokers again. That was my other problem. I felt like I would choke when I wore them. My favorite jewelry accessory and I couldn't wear them!!! One of them is ok, for a little while. I was able to wear a mock neck sweater today. Without tugging at it and tearing it off. So, progress is being made.
That last really bad headache, the one that made me freak out... that one scared me. I never thought I'd want to end over pain. I mean really, I've taken a lot of shit in my life. I can take this too. I just fought through it today. Couldn't waste a Maxalt when I may have to take one tomorrow when I watch Amanda's baby and kids.
My kids know what's going on. They know the drill and are quiet and take care of me. That is so not fair to them. Emily's commented on how I've been more fun lately. And sometimes, I even feel like myself. At least without the constant pain, and hiding of it... I can be fun.
I hate how many people do ask me how the head is. I was able to avoid it for a while. Now they skip from, "How are you?" to "How is your head today?" I have a hard time admitting weakness. I can own up to my personality weaknesses, but not this kind. And I REALLY don't want to be a melodramatic whiner.
But, then again, I have noticed that I let a little more leak all the time. Part of it is that I feel I have to explain my flightiness, my unableness to form sentences, my loss of balance and just my general offness to people. I also don't want people to have the wrong impression of me. There is an explanation to it all!
So, I'm going to try to continue dumping here. I know a couple people actually read this. I may let a few more know. It may be good for me. I don't know. At the same time, it could be looked at as an attention getting ploy. If my mom were to do that, I'd be the first to scoff.
I need to go write in the journal. I'm keeping track of pain, food, weather, mood. I'm trying to find a pattern.
And I need to sleep. Baby in the morning. Yet, I'll probably surf about some more.
Of course, I did get my period today. End must be in sight.
Now, to the fucked up shit.
I'm on daily Wellbutrin XL. It has definatly helped the pain. But, for an anti-depressant type drug it's totally fucked me up emotionally. I'll take the daily crying over whatever over the pain any day.
Jason and I have been wanting to take a trip for our 11 year anniversary. Actually, I've been wanting one, just the two of us, no family no work forever. I think it was before we got married that we last did that. Our wedding day was while he was in Vegas for business! Still, what a great day.
Jason comes up with the idea of going to NYC and taking me to a Broadway show ("Wicked"). We talk about it, and I've always wanted to go to NYC, so of course I'm excited.
We look at several sites. And it is pretty expensive. We're using our tax return for this. It became a choice between paying of some credit card debt or trip.
We don't have a ton of debt. He doesn't allow it. But, it does kill him to be paying interest on anything. And Christmas, well... yeah.
Monday, he's looking again. And he's telling me how anxious the money part is making him feel. I'm getting ready for work and thinking in my head, "We can't go if it's going to bother him so much. I'm going to give him no trip for our anniversary. I just can't let him do this to himself."
And I am calm about it. Totally going to be ok saying it.
Yeah, I walk into the office and there they go. Big fat girly tears. I totally lost it. He said he doesn't want me to settle because he's nervous about money. Neither of us wants to hurt the other. I just want time alone with the man. Especially on our anniversary. Anywhere.
Jason called me at work. Which scared the shit out of me, cause he's only called me at work one or two other times (one is documented here somewhere). He booked the trip. For our anniversary weekend (right before Vday). He got flight, hotel and orchestra "Wicked" tickets for $1100.00. 7 - 800 dollars less than what we thought.
I'm excited. And a bit nervous. I don't know what we'll do with ourselves.
And we still haven't made out a will. I know that's kinda morbid thinking. But, I worry about that kind of stuff. Every trip any of us take, I get scared that something will happen to one or all of us. Shit, I can barely drive anymore because of it.
I gotta remember to call a lawyer tomorrow. I think that one of my friend's husbands is one. All I want is to make sure my babies will be ok. And I think I'm going fucking psycho.
Most things I've read said that the side effects will die down. I have started being hungry again.
That part pissed me off. I do need to lose weight. But, I wanted to do it the healthy way. Instead, I couldn't eat for a few weeks. Lost 10 pounds. Fast and unhealthily. So, I'm taking vitamins galore. Now, maybe I can work off the momentum. That is ok, just not starving myself.
I need to find out if I can wear chokers again. That was my other problem. I felt like I would choke when I wore them. My favorite jewelry accessory and I couldn't wear them!!! One of them is ok, for a little while. I was able to wear a mock neck sweater today. Without tugging at it and tearing it off. So, progress is being made.
That last really bad headache, the one that made me freak out... that one scared me. I never thought I'd want to end over pain. I mean really, I've taken a lot of shit in my life. I can take this too. I just fought through it today. Couldn't waste a Maxalt when I may have to take one tomorrow when I watch Amanda's baby and kids.
My kids know what's going on. They know the drill and are quiet and take care of me. That is so not fair to them. Emily's commented on how I've been more fun lately. And sometimes, I even feel like myself. At least without the constant pain, and hiding of it... I can be fun.
I hate how many people do ask me how the head is. I was able to avoid it for a while. Now they skip from, "How are you?" to "How is your head today?" I have a hard time admitting weakness. I can own up to my personality weaknesses, but not this kind. And I REALLY don't want to be a melodramatic whiner.
But, then again, I have noticed that I let a little more leak all the time. Part of it is that I feel I have to explain my flightiness, my unableness to form sentences, my loss of balance and just my general offness to people. I also don't want people to have the wrong impression of me. There is an explanation to it all!
So, I'm going to try to continue dumping here. I know a couple people actually read this. I may let a few more know. It may be good for me. I don't know. At the same time, it could be looked at as an attention getting ploy. If my mom were to do that, I'd be the first to scoff.
I need to go write in the journal. I'm keeping track of pain, food, weather, mood. I'm trying to find a pattern.
And I need to sleep. Baby in the morning. Yet, I'll probably surf about some more.
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