Missing Dad

Tonight I was cleaning out the office and got to the part of filing more papers for Dad's estate. It's almost over, as soon as I receive the disbursement check, it'll be done. While I am still feel angry and betrayed by how the whole thing has been handled, I am glad we didn't fight it. And really, I know how unhappy Dad was. I don't need money to make me happy. I have my family heirlooms and other things that keep him close. But I miss the crap out of the old man.

So, I was going through all these totally boring legal papers and totally cried. Things happen all of the time that make me want to call him. I still think of buying him Christmas presents and cards. I'm taking physics this term and would LOVE to talk to him and have him teach me all these things that I don't seem to grasp. I find pictures all the time, old ones, ones with the kids... It all just makes his death seem pointless and horrible. And it was. He basically killed himself, and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life. It's been over two years, and I still feel so incomplete.

I sound crazy, but I'm always talking to him. I honestly believe he's with me and can hear me. I know that there are times he's trying to be heard, but I am not yet ready to hear.

So, grief is unabated. Life goes on.