I hate it when this happens. When one thing can come at me, blindside me, and cause everything that's been weighing me down to explode at me.
So many things have been bothering me. I tend to hold them all in. I like to keep my problems and darkness close. They stay safe that way. I stay safe that way.
It's the day before my younger brother (half, really... but I don't like to think that way) will graduate from high school. I'm very proud of him. He's a super genius. I'm upset that my sister and I didn't get announcements. My ex-stepmother shuts us out. I haven't seen him since Emily was a baby... and it hurts.
My house is a disaster. As Amanda put it, it's like trying to move a beach one grain of sand at a time. Get one area done... move to the next... first area, back to shit. Today, it dawned on me that I need to stop feeling guilty and know that there are 4 other people living here. It's time that it's not all my fault anymore. It's just so overwhelming.
My marriage...
It's incredible... after the kids are in bed. Even then, sometimes our own issues crop into the light. I never criticize and it's what he's good at. He never is meaning to be a dick, but comes off that way.
My friends... I love my friends. I just wish I saw them more. It used to be every Sat the guys would come over for drinking and cards, drinking and movie, drinking and hot tub... or just drinking! Now, we all have our own things to do. I miss seeing those guys weekly. They were a lifeline there for a while.
Now, Amanda seems to know how to make me feel better. I'm closer to her than my sister.
My sister... that's a hard one. We used to be best friends. Since her husband and she had a physical fight that sent him to jail, we haven't been close. I hold grudges and she knows it. The one time I tried to talk to her about it, it ended with both of us crying.
My parents, I'm sick of taking care of them. They are the parents. Our roles are reversed. With my mom, it's been since my dad left and she was a suicidal mess that I (at 12, sis was 6) have had to take care of her. I love her for what she accomplished on her own with us... but her drinking and smoking has made her someone else.
My dad, is a rich man. He is now a recovering alcoholic. He freaked out last summer. Carol and I had to fly down to fix him. Well, I fixed him. Set him up with counseling and all. If he drinks again he will die. Luckily, he's trying to stay away from women for a while. So, since I'm the child (hell, I may be the only person!) he's closest to, I have to hold him up.
I have the best kids in the world. But there are times, that I just want to run away and be someone else. To be responsible 24/7 feels like a weight. I feel their presence at all times, everywhere I am. Most of the time, I love this. It's the days like today, where I just want to run.
I gave a lot up for those kids of mine. I've yet to finish college... and this really bothers me now. It didn't as much when I was working. But, the company I was at recognized my potential, and I was actually moved up quickly. I went from receptionist to AR/collections/shipping/QC in a matter of months. I did all those plus administrative work for the Controller and CFO. I didn't want to stay there forever, but I was in a place that respected me and where my job made a difference. Last week there, I got over 3 million in collections.
Now, I am a mom. Today at Emily's soccer picnic, I found out that most of the older moms there had their master's and doctorates. I don't even have an associates. This sits on me all the time. My wasted (<--literally) first year. The over expensive photography school (Dad may have paid, had the freshman year not been so bad). Then, I went back to WSU and dropped back out when we got married.
So, I want my degree. I want to be something else besides mommy. I love being mommy, but Elizabeth wants more. Too bad I'm not sure what!
Here's the kicker: I want to stay home with my kids until they are out of high school. I feel this is very important. I can work on finishing college in about 2 years, when Cam starts 1st grade and is there full time. But, I won't have a career until I am 47! Forty-fucking-seven.
Ahh, and then there is my social anxiety and bouts with depression. I used to be outgoing as hell. It was Jason that had a hard time talking to people. We swapped places. I do not like putting myself out there anymore. This is mostly with women. I think I just got burned too many times. Hell, it's taken Amanda years to fully gain all my trust.
Depression is a hard thing to deal with. Luckily, I don't go down that road like I used to. I just deal with the hand I've been dealt. But occasionally, it creeps back into my life. And I do know where it all comes from. That's why I can deal with it.
The paxil helped with this. But I'll be damned if I'm going to be on a drug my whole life! And that was mainly for the horrible time I had after Cameron was born. Something I'll get to in another entry.
All this and more has been kept inside and close to me. Protecting me from the pain I'd feel when it all came out. When I had to talk to Jason, my love and best friend. When that happens, I'm opened up and vulnerable to everything.
It just takes a small straw to finally break the camel's back.
So, I go to where I can escape it all. Where anonymously, I can be me and not be me at the same time. With people I consider friends, though I've not met them. There is a safe haven in online games. It's a relief to go to most of the time.
But there, is where I lost it all. Where my walls tumbled down and by dams broke. I hadn't cried so hard and long for a very long time. Of course, once that starts, there is no stopping anything. Jason caught me in this compromising position. Sobbing in a heap on our bed. Rescuing me once again from myself. We talked a long time. We're good together. Well, at least he's good for me. I wonder how good I am for him, all the time. I snotted all over the poor guy. And wondered how many more times he'll have to hold me up after I have these episodes.
Lucky bastard, his family is all normal. I love them very much... but sometimes their normalcy makes me very uncomfortable. It's hard for him to understand me sometimes. But, he's really (other than Tommy (hi Tommy!!!)) the only one that does.
This shit just happens like this sometimes. It's always me and my fucked up existence. All in extreme cliffnotes here.
I actually started blogging stuff on my parents (Tom, you'd love this stuff!). It's all in draft form right now. I get started on something hard, and there I go again with the damn crying.
I cry a lot. I'm just extra sensitive to everything. But these sobbing-uncontrollably-almost-throwing-up episodes are few and far between. Thank goodness. I remember when they happened all the time. And funny, I was holding them back then too!
I laugh a lot too. Reason #1 not to go on mood stablilizing drugs... you don't have a full spectrum of emotions.
It's been the day I was dreading. The day that things would first seep and then crash out of me. Leaving me exhausted and feeling weak that I couldn't keep it together.
